By Neil Earle
Curtis May is Director of the Office of Reconciliation Ministries (ORM)
in Pasadena, California, and a leader in the struggle for racial tolerance.
He is co-author of the book Mending Broken Relationships, available from
the
ORM website for a suggested donation of $20.At the Royal Wedding on April 29, the Bishop of London mentioned that in an age when belief in God is on the wane, people in the Western world look more and more to human relationships to sustain each other.
This is evidenced by the fact that the overwhelming majority of people who experience divorce wish to remarry. It seems that a happy marriage is not just a dream for royalty. But relationships are in trouble today. Conflicts rips cross our culture like Captain Hook’s metal limb. That’s true whether its culture to culture, class to class, gender to gender, region to region, husband and wife, teens and parents, and especially (alas) religion to religion.
Counting couples who separate, 66% of couples live in “some state of brokenness” according to the American Association of Christian Counselors. This is serious. Our world is definitely in trouble. Our culture of brokenness needs to learn all over again (if it ever knew) the most simple principles of good human relationships.
Here are some of them as revealed in Scripture correlated with Eric Fromm’s “Art of Loving,” Myron Rush in “Management: A Biblical Approach” and the Royal Bank of Canada’s “Being a Mature Person.”
What’s a definition of maturity? Learning to replace the actions and responses of a child with those of an adult.
Good Human Relationships flow from a focus on Others as much as Self. Jesus said it best, It is more blessed to given than to receive (Acts 20:35). The great missionary apostle Paul – a people person extraordinaire – counseled: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3-4). Don’t you wish this were carved on every state house across the land and flying over the U.S Capitol? In business it is well-known that the “lone wolf” gamesman executive is fated to never get the top job – over time people trust those who exhibit a more fatherly caring attitude for the company and the people who work there.
This makes sense. The Universe is run by a caring Father!
Good Relationships Embody Mutual Trust and Respect. People who exhibit trustworthiness and dependability over time rarely have their motives questioned and this leads to good morale in the board room, the cabinet room, the class room, the living room. Jesus trusts us and calls us friends (John 15:15). He can handle our slips and slidings. This kind of support should inspire us to exhibit a “high trust” life style before those we meet and not to give in to the media stereotypes of “if it bleeds it leads,” the subconscious sense that everyone is out to “get us.”
Relationships Thrive When Everyone’s Contribution is Respected. Jesus trained his subordinates, entrusted them and sent them out on practice missions. He gave them the “freedom to fail” (Luke 10:1-12). Parents, teachers, coaches all benefit when this principle is applied. Those we are responsible for need to be entrusted with responsibility along with accountability, otherwise the operation becomes hidebound, stifled, inner-focused, a pond breeding the weeds of its own inner decay. The father of the Prodigal Son gave his son the inheritance. For a long time it looked like that father was very foolish and unwise. But the end proved him right (Luke 15) and that is what matters most.
Good Relationships Have Workable Feed-back Mechanisms. Jesus asked for feedback: "Who do people say that I am?" His Father offered encouraging feedback when he said, This is my beloved Son in whom I am well-pleased.
In dialoguing or disciplining children, players or subordinates, avoid the culprit syndrome. Don’t ask who is wrong, ask what is wrong. Keep relationships solution-oriented rather than playing the Blame Game. In human relations, one ounce of praise is worth 100 pounds of condemnation. People in today’s work force rarely suffer from too much sincere praise and appreciation.
Relationships thrive on loyalty. Loyalty – oh what a missing concept today! Jesus had every reason to dump his leading man, Peter. But deep down, Jesus knew Peter was loyal, his heart was in the right place. Jesus did not mistake weakness for treachery. Attitude reigns over all. Good marriages last because of a couple’s commitment to each other through good and bad times or in the words of the Book of Common Prayer – “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part.” Commitment is proven and demonstrated over time, one reason it is always wise to think long and hard before scuttling a valued relationship.
There you have it. Just a few reminders from the trenches. To study these principles more fully order the book Mending Broken Relationships from our ministry partner over at www.atimetoreconcile.org. You’ll be glad you did.